I feel like I'm destined to be fat forever. I don't have a job, so I can't go and buy all this healthy food that I want to eat, need to eat. I am stuck with the shitty food that they have around. I don't want it inside me so I purge it... sometimes... I feel like a complete failure! I can't even lose weight like I want to! I wish I could just not eat, like my friends' daughter. She is 17 and 88 lbs. I want to be that small. She eats about once, sometimes twice a day, and sometimes not at all in a day, but only a small amount because she gets sick from regular food. I've seen her eat something simple like a burger or a slice of pizza and immediately her body rejects it. I know its really horrible, but I wish I was small like that. I wish I had her control.

I have no idea what my weight is right now and I like not knowing lol..

I broke my recovery yesterday by purging noodles and chocolate.. I feel disgusting and I know I need to keep food in me, but I just couldn't help it. I'm just going day by day and we will see what happens. Yesterday, I had 1,342 calories. I wouldn't have gone over 1,000 calories if it wasn't for this soup I had yesterday, potato soup, it was 400 calories!! :( I'm depressed. But so far today I've had less than 500 calories and its 4pm now. I think I'm doing pretty good today..

So, yesterday was day 1 of being purge free. Yesterday, I was so weak and tired all day. I was light-headed and felt so sick. For three or four days before that I was purging every single thing in me, except water. Yesterday, around 3pm I finally ate a bag of Ramen Noodles, and felt like my body was trying to reject it, but I kept it down. Late yesterday evening, I ate a small french bread pizza with a can of Pepsi, and my girlfriend's mom gave me some chocolate because my blood sugar was apparently really low. It made me feel better. Today, I'm still weak, but not as weak as I was yesterday and not as tired, of course I've only had coffee all day and its 1:15pm. I'll be eating dinner tonight, though. Her mom is making shrimp and rice, but since I don't eat seafood she said she would make me a hot dog or two, or anything else I could come up with later.
I was really scared yesterday. I was so weak that it was hard to make it to the bathroom on time. It took so much out of me just to sit up in bed and eat the Ramen Noodles. I'm glad that today I am able to get around and do what I need to do. It takes a lot of energy, but at least I can sit on the computer today. I'm glad I am giving this up!!

Day 1: SUCCESS!

The scale says I've lost 1.8 lbs since my last weigh-in, which means I've lost a total of 5 lbs!!! Yay!!!

XO Dawn

Fat. Very fat today. Even tho I've been skipping dinner, I'm at 193.0

At the girlfriend's house. Getting away with almost no food :)

I hope you girls know how lucky you are to be as thin as you are. I would love to be even 20 lbs lower than I am now. I hate this :( very depressing day..

Today is supposed to be a good day. I have a job interview at a restaurant and I'm really excited to get the job because it means I don't have to move to a different state! On the other hand, I have a really bad infection and idk where it came from. I hurt. The skin is swollen, cracked and bleeding apparently. It hurts :( I don't have insurance so I'm not sure how I'm supposed to see a doctor right now..

So, I've decided that I am not putting myself on any kind of fast or diet at all. I have been working out almost every day and I try to do good on the food. I'm not going to limit myself, only try to do my best. That way I can't say I'm a failure, even tho I am. I'm simply going to take it hour by hour, day by day, and try not to have too much.

I've gained in the last 6 months. Its very depressing :( so much that my girl decided to let me go on a liquid fast! Its controlled, meaning I have to eat soups and chili's and she is going to watch me. Basically, its a fast just from solid foods. The objective is to gain control of food portions and the types of foods I'm eating.

I'm back on my old workout routine, only I have to do the exercises in small bursts. I just completed a mile and a half walking after doing 30 sit-ups and 30 push-ups and stretching. I will be doing more exercises later, and will report my calories later tonight.

With love,
Dawn

Edit: So far today, I have consumed 777 calories, but I have burned 488 calories, which gives me a net of 289 calories :)

Been so long!! My laptop died, so I was without a computer, but now that I'm living back at my parents house, I have my old desktop computer.

News!! I'm moving from Dallas, TX to Conway, AR at the end of the month!! Yay!! Its a wonderful opportunity to get my life in order and get on my feet. Its a good place for me gain independence and confidence in myself, as well as figure out where I want my life to go.. Its so amazing! I already have an apartment to move in to, and I have two jobs lined up for me :)

Will post more later..